Safewords 101

Hello again, my sweet deviant child. Welcome to Safewords class.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you have probably heard about the concept of safewords at least once in your life. Fun fact: the concept of it originated from kink before it became a mainstream language. That is to tell you that kink is more mainstream than you think.

First, though, what are safewords?

Safewords are an excellent way to retain autonomy, especially in the bedroom. Unless you are new to the lifestyle, you probably already know that trust is one of the most important pillars in the kink lifestyle. It is simply impossible to give control over to someone, or even take control of a person, unless you trust that they are capable of taking care of you. Or that you are capable of keeping them under wraps.

But sometimes, that line fluctuates in the heat of things. When it does, a safeword is the absolute best tool to adjust the pace, communicate exactly where your head is at, or call a complete halt if a limit has been crossed.

Why Not Just Say "Stop"?

Good question, Abobi.

The truth is, during intense scenes—like roleplay, primal play, or CNC (Consensual Non-Consent)—the word "stop" or "no" is often part of the script. It’s the exact kind of dirty talk that fuels the fire. In the heat of passion, there is no way for a Dom to unequivocally tell if an expressed "stop" means "make me" or an actual, physical emergency. And safewords just communicate that unequivocally.

Also, safewords are a polite way of communicating your emotions without ruining the mood completely. Safewords are just less jarring and less dramatic than screaming like a banshee or, worse, resorting to violence or physical resistance just to escape a scene.

Properties of a safeword.

What makes any random word different from a safeword is that it is already mutually agreed upon before the act. So, no, you cannot make up random words during the act and expect your partner to read your mind and know what you are trying to communicate. Unless, of course, you are dealing with a psychic, in which case, send them my way too; let the love go round.

By this standard, it means a safeword has to be

• Mutually agreed upon
• Premeditated and not just made up in the heat of passion
• Its intended effect must be unequivocal.
• Uncommon words that you'd not usually use during sex.

So if you have to ask multiple times to understand what your partner wants to convey, please do. You cannot be too safe when it comes to matters of your mental health, even if it’s during sex. Especially when it's during sex.

Examples of safewords.

Now that you know what safewords are, let's talk about the examples.

The most common concept that people use for safe words is the traffic light system.

• “Green” for “Yes, I loved that. Do more.”
• “Yellow” for “That feels good, but lower the intensity” or "Hm, I'm skeptical about that one; proceed with caution."
• Red is for “cut the cameras” or “please stop immediately”.

Oh, you thought safewords were only used for a cease and desist? Wrong! Safewords exist for a myriad of reasons. Remember, the concept of it is to communicate your feelings and emotions, and sometimes, “stop” is not the only thing you are feeling. Safewords, when used right, can be a beautiful addition to spice up your sex life.

While the traffic system may be very effective, it is not always advisable, as the concept of safewords is that you use words you wouldn't ordinarily use in the bedroom. And sometimes, something associated with ‘red’ might be what is doing it for you. You don’t want to shortchange yourself like that. So, feel free to make up your own words.

Other Creative Examples Include:

Schrödinger’s cat

Teletubbies

Pineapple

And my personal favourite, Alani Pamolekun

When it comes to your pleasure, never hesitate to be as creative as you want, unless you are hurting someone in the process.

Nonverbal safewords

If you think safewords are limited to words you can say, my sweet summer child, you’d be mistaken. Again. Safewords are not limited to verbal declarations. Or should not be. Just because you have your mouth full of something does not mean you should be deprived of control or autonomy. Many times, you are lost in the throes of pleasure, and forming words is just next to impossible for multiple reasons. The position could be awkward for speech; they could have a gag in their mouth, or they could have their mouth full of something. These situations do not mean you should be deprived of your right to communicate your emotions.

In this case, these are nonverbal forms of safeword techniques you can try.

• Coughing twice
• Patterned taps on the knee
• Holding and dropping a heavy object (like a bunch of keys)
• Clapping
• Nodding the head in rhythmic motions

…or whatever else your creative mind comes up with. Just remember that the scope of it is that you use words or do things that you wouldn't do in your everyday sex life, so when it comes up during sex, your partner immediately knows what's up.

Popular FAQs for Safewords

When can I safeword?

Whenever you feel like it, my dear. There are no rules for how these things should go. The minute you feel uncomfortable or weird, you should absolutely drop that word. It is why it’s important to only play with someone whom you trust, so you know without a doubt that they will drop everything purely because you said so. Also, if you are looking to communicate other emotions than "stop", absolutely do that too. Communication is so sexy, baby. And both you and your partner will have a better sex life if you communicate more.

Who can safeword?

Anybody. There is no power dynamic to feeling uncomfortable; if you are skeptical about proceeding with a certain activity, you can just say so, regardless of what your ‘role’ is. Just like subs, doms have limits.

What to do if my partner safewords?

It largely depends on why the safeword was dropped in the first place, but if the reason is an abrupt stop or because you have unknowingly crossed a hard limit, this is not the time to withdraw into yourself and stonewall them, unless they have asked for such treatment. Usually, this is the time to draw them close and provide aftercare. What constitutes aftercare should already be discussed between y'all before the scene commences, so you know you are holding space for them the way they want to be held. And you can also improvise, too, if you want. The terms of this are more subjective than objective. It is why it is important to talk about everything so there are no surprises, and when surprises do eventually spring up, your previous communication should open space for you to talk through that too.

Now, go forth and spice up your sex life.